if i smoked tobacco

23 Mar

i used to know this guy who fueled his Volkswagen car with vegetable oil. I don’t remember if it was a VW Jetta or a VW Golf, but for the sake of this story it doesn’t matter. We were driving to Ontario to visit a friend of his who lived in a barn. The friend sold me a copy of ‘Satan in Goray’ for a buck or two, but what I remember most is driving back to Montreal and seeing tobacco out the window. The leaves were wrinkly looking, like an elephant ear probably looks like. It got me thinking.

If I smoked tobacco, I’d find a patch of land and plant some and go back there with a lawn chair and talk to the stalks or leaves or however tobacco comes to be and when it was ripe and brown and ready to be dried and rolled, i’d bring it back to the city and sit on a porch or a patio and smoke it as the sun was going down and during every exhale and sigh, i’d feel glad about nothing in particular.

sweet flaky ash
tumbling out of existence

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2 Responses to “if i smoked tobacco”

  1. glen715 March 23, 2017 at 3:39 pm #

    I wish that smoking was good for you, because I really enjoyed menthol cigarettes. I smoked them briefly in 1983 (age 22) and quit them when I realized that I was enjoying them a little TOO much and I got scared that I’d get hooked on nicotine. I knew better; we learned all about the hazards of cigarettes in elementary school.

    I was working at Jones Beach State Park during the summer of 1983, and some merchandiser was passing out samples of Skoal Bandits. I don’t know if Skoal makes the “Bandits” anymore, but they were brand new then. The idea was that it was less messy and inconvenient than regular dip. They were put in kind of a thin paper with little holes in them, and they were the shape of Dentyne gum. I chewed it, and I experimented and put in a few more and a few more after that. I ended up running to the men’s room to throw up after I swallowed several of the damn things at the same time. I was so sick that I had to go home early from work that day. I never chewed tobacco or snuff or whatever again.

    By the way, gum (or anything else, for that matter) that has Aspartame in it is bad for your brain, or something like that. It’s got ALL kinds of poison in it. It’s no surprise that Dick Cheney, one of the biggest Dicks in American political history (even worse than Dick Nixon) has stock in Aspartame, which is as good a reason not to partake of anything that has Aspartame in it as anything else.

    • Steve Myers March 23, 2017 at 4:18 pm #

      I wish smoking was good for us too Glen. It winds up being a get together with strangers, “can you spare a cigarette, do you have a light” and so on conversation starters, more than gum anyway.

      I still chew gum from time to time, but only the hubba bubba brands and the other ones that are bad for the teeth, I figure if I’m gonna chew, I want some substance, something I can blow bubbles with, not those skinny strips of trident and the like that conk out after a few chews.

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